SmallAngryMan

Bins

2012-01-25T13:47:00.004Z

And sure enough. I'm back! So the last year was pretty quiet because I had a lot going on in my life (my pet ocelot died, my house fell into a ravine and my children turned out to be dwarfs masquerading as infants). Anyway I'm over that now and I'm back to illuminate your pathetic lives with more whining, bitching and moaning. Lucky you.

Today I'm talking about the fascinating topic of bins. Every now and then I turn on the TV or radio there are two halfwits having a debate about bin collection. Now, I am usually the first person to complain about pointless nonsense, but even I draw the line at this. In case you are not aware, it's a debate about whether bins should be collected every week rather than every other week. MASSIVE YAWN.

First of all, who gives a flying bag full of piss? 'Oh my bins smell' - Well you know what chump, bins are supposed to smell, they're bins for Christ's sake! Full of sick, decaying unwanted pets and alike. They're not supposed to smell like a Gregg's bakery. And it's not as if you live in your bin (unless of course you do in which case you've probably got bigger things to worry about; like dying). And if you haven't got room in your bin for all of your rubbish over two weeks then stop eating ready meals, or get rid of a child or two.

angryman likes: not talking about bins

BLOG ALERT

2012-01-25T13:43:00.004Z

Because I am such a miserable bastard, I have decided to create a new blog where I eat sadnwiches a lot and generally don't complain about anything. It's called 50 Days of Sandwich and can be found here. Don't worry though, I will be back here soon enough complaining like a Daily Mail reading Tory soon enough ...

smallangryman 2: extra angry extra small

2011-03-21T15:50:00.003Z

Hello ...

I know how you must feel; distraught, deceived, distrustful ... other words beginning with 'd'?

Or perhaps you feel relieved? Like a kidnapped child who's been locked in a dungeon for weeks, but who has slowly grown dependant on their captor. At first you thought I'd return after a week, then maybe a month. After a couple of months you became doubtful. Then, after 6 months, just when you were about to finally gave up all hope, BANG! I'm back. And this time I've brought some chicken nuggets and your favourite flavoured ice cream ...

There are many reasons I stopped the blog for a bit: moving house, getting mugged, apathy, boredom and a growing hatred towards anyone who writes a blog including your truly (all of which I plan to write about shortly).

But the main thing is I'm back ... and I'm still small and still angry.

angryman likes: your mum

Pope Eggs Benedict

2010-09-16T14:32:00.007+01:00

Sorry about that last post, I got a bit carried away.

Anyway I thought I'd write about the Pope today because, you know, the poor chap is not getting enough media coverage. I don't have anything against the Pope, apart from the fact he ALLEGEDLY (I'm pretty sure that the Vatican has a strong legal team and, you know, it does have the Lord Almighty on its side) covered up mass child abuse. He can come here if he wants. He can ride around in his Popemobile. He can make out with the ground. He can play table-tennis with the Queen. Frankly, I couldn't give a toss. I don't really care about it costing the tax payer £12 million. Well, I do, but not enough to get out of my armchair and take my frustration out on my secretary. I do that anyway, for no reason whatsoever.

What does bother me is that his aide dared to call Heathrow a 3rd World Country. Who does he think he is? That (ALLEGEDLY) pompous old-fashioned cock-faced twat weasel. Heathrow is a symbol of our British Empire. It is the last bastion in our otherwise Empireless lives, it is the lighthouse that steers us away from the rocks, it is the buxom woman we come home to after a long day chopping wood in the forest.

Well actually, it's not, Heathrow is a fucking shithole. It is the objectification of Osama Bin Laden shitting in child's mouth. The media seems to have taken this issue to heart, treating Heathrow as if it is the best thing since sliced pizza, forgetting that it constantly berates the airport every other time of the year. I think the issue here is that only we, the Great British public, can call Heathrow a 3rd World Country.

angryman likes: discouraging people from using condoms

EDIT: So apparently in a clarification this aide, Cardinal Kasper, the friendly ghost Cardinal, said he was referring to the multicultural society at Heathrow and not the hellish state of Heathrow by referring to it as the 3rd World. Which is basically like landing and saying "Fuck me, there are a lot of blacks here!" In that case Cardinal Kasper, you are a massive dick.

Mummy, why has that man got no eyeballs?

2010-07-27T10:18:00.008+01:00

I like horror films. But I am not scared by them. And by that I don't mean "Oh my you made me jump" scary but "HOLY SHIT SOMEONE TEAR MY EYEBALLS OUT" scary.

Blood and gore are not scary. My own imagination is far more frightening than that. The scariest films I have seen are ones that flip everything you know on its head. They play with your mind more than your stomach. I think a great horror film is not one that has the ability to make the audience jump or look away in disgust, but one that has a lasting impact and makes you feel uneasy. Like The Shining or even The Usual Suspects (not a horror film per se but I found it scarier than most horror films).

The same goes with ghost trains or haunted houses at theme parks. Even as a kid I found them tacky and mundane. So, a few years ago, I came up with the ultimate ghost ride that would guarantee the expulsion of at least 2 different types of bodily fluid from its participants. Here is the general premise:

You queue for the ride as per usual. You enter the darkened damp cavernous halls with plastic skeletons hanging from the walls and the faint sound of eerie-yet-comical music playing. You sit on one of those stupid trains. Some spotty squealer tells you to not touch anything. Then, just as the locomotive is ready to leave, it breaks down. You are asked to leave so the maintenance man can come and look at the ride. You exit the ride back into the main theme park, except something is wrong. It is deserted, except for you and your fellow haunted house rejects. An employee runs up to your group and tells you there has been an accident. Everyone has been evacuated from the park except you and your group. Another man approaches you. He is not an employee. As he gets closer you notice he is pale and has blood dripping from his head. He collapses in front of the crowd. He mutters something before coughing up some more blood. They're is a loud scream and a roar and the sound of glass smashing. There is gun fire. A nearby building's windows smash and there is more screaming. The employee tells you all to follow him. You do so into the nearby gift shop. You all catch your breath. After a while you look at the toys in the gift shop. All of their eyes have been ripped out. Blood is smeared across the walls. The guy behind the counter is lying motionless. He has the words "look" and "up" written on each of his eyelids. You look at the example ride photos on the wall behind him. There are pictures of more dead people slumped against a wall. You look closer. The photos are of you and your group.

angryman likes: candy floss

I'm off to Tescos .... WHAT?!

2010-07-16T14:17:00.006+01:00

The more I think about stuff, the more I get angry about stuff, so I've been trying not to think ... about anything. The World Cup assisted in my futile venture but now that's over I have to resort to thinking about stuff, and people, and about how much people annoy me with their idiotic ways.

Take, for instance, the leading supermarket chain in England; Tesco. I don't have much gripe with Tesco itself or the people who shop there. It's with people's pronunciation, or mispronunciation, of the name of the supermarket which get's my balls in a twist.

Many refer to it as "Tescos" or Tesco's". I'm not sure if these dimwits believe that there are many supermarkets, hence the pluralisation, or whether they think the supermarket belongs to Tesco. Who knows? And who fucking cares? They're doing it wrong. And if it's you, you're doing it wrong. IT'S TESCO! "Sainsbury's" is "Sainsbury's" because that's its fucking name. Similarly Morrisons is Morrisons ... ad nauseam.

You don't say "I'm off to Top Shops". Actually you probably do.

angryman likes: nothing

Fuck Vuvuzelas

2010-06-17T15:34:00.010+01:00

Seriously.

For all of those sensitive namby-pamby people who think that it is an insult to South African culture to dislike vuvuzelas, well fuck you too!

It's not insensitive to ask for some variation in the general ambiance of a stadium atmosphere. People have been describing the general vibe of the World Cup as "carnival like". You know what, that carnival atmosphere is definitely not being portrayed through the TV, unless it's a carnival of killer fucking locusts partying with killer fucking bees.

It's not insensitive to want to hear the ebb and flow of the crowd enjoyment. You know, cheering. Remember that? When people used to cheer with elation when a goal was scored. Those were happy days. Or even boos. I miss boos. Now it's this:

Goal: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Referee mistake: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Goalkeeping blunder: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Free Kick: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Throw in: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Complete euphoria: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Someone dies: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Your mum's on fire: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And it's definitely not insensitive to want to watch a game of football without feeling the need to kick a pony in the face repeatedly just to make you feel again.

Worse still, from my extensive research of various sources (wikipedia), I've discovered that these things only became popular in the 1990s in South Africa. And this plastic version wasn't even made until 2001! Yeah, those things are really entrenched in your history South Africa. Remember that scene in Zulu when Michael Caine confiscates all those vuvuzelas? That was heart-wrenching that.

I'll say it again: Fuck vuvuzelas.

angryman likes: PEACE AND FUCKING QUIET.

British Politics: it's just dull

2010-05-11T12:24:00.004+01:00

Since my car radio was stolen I haven't been able to listen to Radio 4's The Today Show with Evan "Crazy Eyes" Davis and John "I'll interrupt everything you say just to get you riled" Humphrys. I therefore haven't been getting my daily dose of news. I still read a few websites, like the BBC or Al Jazeera, but I don't think I'm as "clued up" as I was three months ago.

Consequently this election has passed me by completely. I watched 5 minutes of each debate and switched off because they were painfully boring. Like watching a really funny Three Stooges routine if the Three Stooges were replaced with 3 dickheads with a capacity to suck all of the fun out of the room. I didn't really give a shit about the whole bigot (I refuse to put the word "gate" on the end) thing, the Clegg bashing or any of the other media frenzies that were created by Rupert Murdoch's evil cronies.

Worst still, all of the leaders irritated me on enormous levels. Gordon Brown is like a fat Gollum from Lord of the Rings; doomed from the moment he appeared in the limelight. He has to be one of the most unlucky people ever. I bet his penis is covered in vagina-rotting acid. David Cameron is the kid at school who had all of the Pogs you were collecting and wouldn't play Pog matches with you just in case he lost one (basically a grade A shitbox). And Nick Clegg is, well, he's Nick Clegg.

The trouble is with all of the parties is their policies are too similar. Yeah the Conservatives want tighter immigration but they all do. They all want to do exactly the same things but on slightly different levels. Labour wants to stimulate the economy ... well I doubt anyone is going to come out and say "nah fuck the economy, let's spend all our money on Hot Peperami and porn". I've said it before (see Nick Clegg link above), we need old school politics again. Left and right. People who like scooping babies out of teenagers and people who like sending teenagers to be hung in front of the Queen.

Or things could just remain as they are. To be honest I'm pretty apathetic about it these days. I hate the Torys but at least if they get in you'll get more posts from me saying how much I want to strangle children MPs.

angryman likes: poles

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAY SMALLANGRYMAN

2010-05-10T13:42:00.005+01:00

I've been a bit lazy recently. Even though everything under the sun has been pissing me off lately (David Cameron's policies, David Cameron's face, David Cameron's hair, David Cameron's beady eyes, David Cameron's stupid wife), I haven't been motivated enough to write about it. Anyway, hopefully you'll get a bit more consistency now. I'll try to at least write two or three posts a month. I said try.

Also I totally forgot to mention that this blog has been going for a year. Not that it is a particularly amazing achievement, a well trained dog could write a blog for a year, but still, there has to be something in the longevity of these things. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

This isn't going to be a self congratulatory circle-jerk (can you have a one person circle-jerk?) type post, but I will say thank you to everyone who does read this. I have no idea of the numbers who actually do read this, I can only hope it is more than two and less than a billion. Anyway, I appreciate the fact you do still read my ramblings and hopefully I am making you feel uncomfortable more often than not.

If David Cameron is Prime Minister before I post again, I may never post again.

angryman likes: you, you beautiful fat faced fucker

Hey Turkey, FUCK YOU!

2010-04-14T13:44:00.007+01:00

Apart from the fact I moved in with my girlfriend, March sucked. As well as nursing a broken finger, I had to deal with a broken heart caused by a broken (into) car (how poetic was that sentence? If your answer is "not very" then you are correct).

Needless to say the theft left me disgruntled. Stupid fucking criminals stole the front part of my car stereo. Only the front part though. So I have one useless part of it and so do they. I now have nothing to drown out the noise of my wheezing engine.

The hardworking Metropolitan Police said that there is nothing they can do. Obviously there is nothing they can do because they are too busy giving out speeding tickets and letting people get raped (my God, I sound like the Daily Mail).

Apparently the day after those scabby fucks bent my car door they stole a motorbike from the same car park. The CCTV (which wasn't plugged in on the day my car was broken into) showed 2 Turkish men lingering around the entrance. I'm not entirely sure how you establish someone's nationality from CCTV footage but presumably they were wearing Galatasaray shirts, eating kebabs and holding a rug. Either way I hate all Turkish people now.

angryman likes: the fact Turkey isn't in the EU

Stuff that happened in March

2010-03-23T13:10:00.005Z

Fuck, no March posts yet. So sorry if you have been checking this but I have been busy. Anyway I'm back now. So you can relax and untie the noose from your fat neck. What to talk about, what to talk about? Well here's an amalgamation of shit that's been going on this month and my insightful, spiteful and delightful commentary:

I have moved into an ample flat with my awesome girlfriend. Because we are ardent. Also, I bought an adjective dictionary. Only read the As so far. Now that's adjacent.
David Cameron's wife (whose name escapes me ... but whoever she is she must be idiot proof) is having another child. Let's hope the kid isn't the complete and utter waste of space that his vapid cunt of a Dad is.
BA strikes caused havoc. But I didn't care because I wasn't on holiday. Take that BA!
I broke my finger playing football rescuing a dying unicorn. It hurts like hell doesn't hurt at all because I am a wimp really strong man.
Benjamin Netanyahu is the only leader's name that rhymes with "You area a right wing fascist Zionist twat that insists on oppressing the Palestinians in east Jerusalem and building your stupid settlements and you make me want to kill all the animals at my local zoo".
Historic Healthcare Bill was passed in USA. Rich people were upset but used their money to buy concentrated happiness (read: cocaine).
Everyone is obsessed with Chat Roulette. Go on the website if you like cock.
Everyone shat bricks about Meow Meow a new drug which makes people sort of happy ... THEN KILLS THEM BY DROWNING THEM IN PISS, RAPES THEIR FATHER AND RUNS OFF WITH THEIR MOTHER TO THE COSTA DEL SOL TO SET UP A CHAIN OF BURGER BARS WHICH ULTIMATELY FAILS LEAVING THEIR MOTHER WITH HIDEOUS DEBTS AND A BROKEN HEART.
Lionel Messi is probably God. If not he is at least the second best person in the world named Lionel.

So there you have it. Nothing else happened in March apart from what I've written above. And if you think it did, you're insane.

angryman likes: blog holidays

It's so cold

2010-02-25T12:55:00.003Z

You know what I like to do? I like to put a chocolate bar in a fridge, wait a few hours and then eat it. That's what I like to do.

angryman likes: KitKat Caramel

Letters

2010-02-24T15:18:00.005Z

Think back to when you were young. Remember? (to anyone over 50 I don't mean young as in 30, I mean young as in child young. Also, stop kidding yourself) Those days were full of wonder. Everything was exciting, even mundane things such as getting a letter.

When I was 8, receiving a letter was one of the best things in the world. Regardless of who it was from, or what it was, it was something exhilarating, mysterious and unknown. Someone else who wasn't my Mum or Dad knew I existed. They could have sent me anthrax and I'd have been happy. "Mummy someone sent me talcum powd ... " *convulsion*

Whenever my Mum left the letter in my room I would first of all shake it trying to guess what it was (pro tip: shaking stuff is not the best way of finding out what things are - ask Louise Woodward). I would then stop being a dumb fuck and open the paper envelope of mystery, desperate to see what treasures awaited me. It was usually a letter from the WWF (wildlife not wrestling), my pen pal in Cornwall or a paedophile asking for a picture of my willy (remember, paedophilia was pretty acceptable back in the early 90s).

Nowadays whenever you get a letter your first thought is "FUCK MY LIFE I'M OFF TO THE PUB!" After which you try to avoid the letter for as long as possible treating it like the stupid little dog your wife forced you to buy even though you fucking hate dogs. Eventually you open the letter and it is predictably someone who wants money from you and you inevitably slide closer to your death by the anxiety this whole charade has caused.

Letters lost their appeal in adulthood. I need that magic back. We all do. So what I propose is for you all to send me a letter saying something along the lines of "Dear Angryman, Here is £100, you make me wet in my special place. Yours ... " Cheques made out to "Mister Sexy" will suffice.

angryman likes: letters

Knives Out

2010-02-23T12:45:00.007Z

Good God I've been lazy recently. Actually an erotically charged mixture of lazy and busy: Bazy. Anyway I have now found a flat in London in which I will reside therefore I am on my way to becoming a full blown cunt. All I need to do now is harp on about how amazing everything in London is and I'll be set.

All this means I can focus more of my energy on this blog, which hopefully some of you still read. Even still I enjoy writing it and so does my secretary because for 30 minutes a day she doesn't get a hit in her stupid face.

Today's post is about knives. Not stabby knives, but cooking knives. A few years back my girlfriend got me an 8 inch Wüsthof cooking knife. That shit changed my life. Before I was trying to get by with a crappy piece of tin that could barely slice through a puppy's soft delicious head.

A good knife is one where you don't have to put apply horizontal motion when slicing vegetables. It glides through the vegetable like it's a hot knife slicing through your hot mother (oh man you totally got burned). Having a good knife when in the kitchen is as important as not having AIDS. And that is very important. If you're reading this blog and you have AIDS, I'm sorry. Also please go away, you're infecting everyone's webspace.

Anyway I'm bored of typing now. I think you've got the message; AIDS sucks.

angryman likes: cutting stuff

I hate you all

2010-02-11T16:22:00.005Z

Whaddup bitches? That's right, I called you bitches, what are you going to do about it? Comment? Ha, not likely (because no one reads this or comments).

Today has been a weird day. Mainly because I wore a purple tie with a blue shirt and I'm still working out whether they clash. It has probably ruined my day. Speaking of fashion, Alexander McQueen is dead. This has rocked my world. Not really. Not at all. But he did apparently sew "I AM A CUNT" into a suit he made for Prince Charles. Alexander, you were alright.

Anyway today I was thinking about the types of people I hate, right off the bat. I meet them, I find out one thing about them and BANG they're in the hate pile. From then on it's just a matter of them trying to redeem themselves in my eyes, or sliding down into the pit of despair (where most people are). The traits below throw people right into the hate category:

People who mainly watch ITV
People who wear caps
People who say "I could of" instead of "I could have"
People who read the Daily Mail
People who think Deal or No Deal is fun
Noel Edmonds
People with bad breath
People with bad body odor
Muslims
People who wear stupid oversized sunglasses
People who talk about their iPhones
Cannibals
People who eat my food
Ginger people
People with more than one pet
People who talk about their pets
People who smell like their pets
Pets
People who wear sunglasses or scarfs indoors
People trying to rape or murder me

That's it for now. The list is non exhaustive. It goes on and on and on. And I would go on. Except I would get really angry and have a seizure.

angryman likes: violent spasms

HA!

2010-02-03T13:49:00.005Z

Hello. Remember me? Again, I must apologise for not updating this for a while. No excuses, but I have been noting down blogworthy (fuck you, it is a word, like cuntabulous) subjects in my absence. So hopefully the content will be better than the shit I've been pumping out until now. Ha, just kidding, I know everything I do is great.

Anyway today's post is about people who laugh or chuckle constantly. What is the deal with that shit? I don't mean people who laugh at inappropriate times, like funerals or watching reports about child abuse, because that is kinda' funny. I mean people who say something that isn't funny, and then laugh and then continue to do so throughout the conversation. Now I'm not generalising here (I am) but it's usually fat people. Fat women. Fat ugly women. Example:

Me: How was your weekend?

Fat ugly sweaty woman: It was great we went to the countryside *chuckle* for a walk *chuckle* and John forgot his hat *laughs hysterically*

Me: Why is that funny?

Fat ugly sweaty woman: Because he forgot *chuckle* his hat *chuckle*

Me: Whatever bitch.

That was just a hypothetical conversation. I would never say that to a person 3 times my own body weight out of fear of getting eaten, or caught up in their gravitational pull.

Anyway you probably all know someone like this. And they probably agitate you so much you want to pour 1 part cement, 2 parts sand, 3 parts gravel, a bucket of water and a wheelbarrow down their throat to create a solid concrete mix (yeah I know my ratios motherflippers). Unless you're a tolerant person and don't get annoyed by everything in the world like me. Well then BULLY FOR YOU!

angryman likes: intolerance

Business Card

2010-01-21T13:25:00.006Z

I got a new business card today. Yes that is news. Exciting news. In fact it's more important than most of the shit that's going on in the world right now. It's a pretty badass business card. It says

"ANGRYMAN

FULL TIME SUPERHERO

RULER OF ANGER

LORD OF DESTRUCTION

PART TIME WINDOW CLEANER

MEMBER OF THE W.I."

I know what you're thinking - if I'm a superhero where was I when the earthquake struck in Haiti? The answer to that is I was asleep. I'm a lazy superhero. I only save attractive women with huge jugs from mild peril. A more pertinent question is "where was god?" Put that in your pipe and smoke it Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Anyway sorry again for the lack of posts. My job has been pretty hectic recently. Also I'm thinking about moving house soon, and thinking takes a lot of time. Especially for my superbrain (I have an IQ of 170 to the power of awesome).

As this post has been a complete waste of your time, here is a picture of an owl in flight. I DO NOT OWN THE COPYRIGHT FOR THIS YOU MUNCHKIN.

angryman likes: damsels in distress

Angryman's News Roundup 15/01/10

2010-01-15T15:08:00.007Z

It's my girlfriend's birthday today, so happy birthday to her. Not that she ever reads this. *tear*

The News Roundup is back. First time for 2010. Obviously I won't be making fun of the earthquake because I'm not that much of a heartless bastard. Anyway, here is what else has made people stroke their chins and feign interest this week:

angryman likes: game

Albums of 2009

2010-01-14T13:36:00.003Z

Because I'm a lazy flidspaz, I am avoiding posting original content again and today posting my top 10 albums of 2009. Rejoice!

Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Pt. II
The xx - xx
Fuck Buttons - Tarot Sport
Future of the Left - Future of the Left
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Mastodon - Crack the Skye
The Antlers - Hospice
Manic Street Preachers - Journal for Plagued Lovers
Bat for Lashes - Two Suns
Wild Beats - Two Dancers

No descriptions because, like I said, I'm a flidspaz.

angryman likes: avoiding things

Albums of the Decade

2010-01-13T17:18:00.006Z

A while back (last month) some people (my friends) decided to compile a list of the greatest albums of 2000-2009 (if someone says "the naughties" I will smack them). Well, here is my list:

1. The Streets - Original Pirate Material (2002)

A jaw droppingly original album. A lot of people hate it, but for me it was the best album of the decade. It's versatile and eclectic. It was like nothing I had ever heard before. It's hip hop without the glamour, it's rock without the guitars, it's ska, it's garage, it's house ... And on a personal note many of the tracks on this album are the soundtrack to my University life.

2. Daft Punk - Discovery (2001)

Best dance album of all time in my opinion. Watching Daft Punk play these tracks live takes the music to another level as well. Their light show is second to none. Funky, rock, disco, electro, hop hop. It's familiar music played in an unfamiliar way, like being at a 70s disco in the future. The 2070s!

3. M.I.A. - Arular (2005)

A Sri Lankan English hip hop artist (painter artist) who combines electro hip hop and reggae and originality. What's not to like? I first came across M.I.A. just before I left for Japan so many of the songs remind me of good times I experienced there. The best way to describe this album is 'exciting'.

4, Sigur Ros - Agaetis byrjun (2000)

Radiohead liked them, so I liked them. Then I liked them because they were great. Then I liked them because they made me cry at three of their gigs. Searing strings, whaling guitar sounds, beautiful melodies and a spine chilling wonderful voice all combine to create one of the weirdest, most serene albums of the decade.

5. Kanye West - The College Dropout (2004)

Hands down, the best mainstream hip hop artist there is. He is a dick, but a damn talented one. Jay Z has nothing on Kanye, nor does anyone else. Jesus Walks is a stroke of genius. Great locution and excellent production. And he doesn't just rap about guns money and drugs.

6. Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights (2002)

That sound. You know, that haunting beautiful immense sound. Stupid lyrics can be overlooked when the music and the vocals are this good. And when they play it live, they take it to the next level.

7. The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow (2003)

The only way to describe this is that it is such a happy album. Brimming with joy. Great but simple melodies complement the wonderful poignant lyrics. Reminds me of the summer of 2004, for some reason.

8. Radiohead - In Rainbows (2007)

I did like Kid A, a lot. But I didn't love it. I also liked Amnesiac, but I didn't love it. Ditto for Hail to the Thief. Then In Rainbows came along. This album is a close contender for my favourite Radiohead album ever. It's happier undertones make for a much more comfortable listen. Incredibly composed songs and the best male voice in the world.

9. Ghostface Killah - Fishscale (2006)

I still listen to this all the time. Anger, comic book characters, kung fu, and lots and lots of cocaine are the main influences for this masterpiece. A great example of lyrical prowess, silky soulful R&B, great beats and impeccable production.

10. At the Drive In - Relationship of Command (2000)

I just remember how upset I was when they split up. That I didn't get to witness their masterful and intense guitar riffs, screaming yet touching vocals and mentally incomprehensible lyrics.

angryman liked: 2000-2009

Brush your Teeth! Wipe your BUM!

2010-01-12T13:40:00.005Z

Two questions:

1. When you get up in the morning, do you brush you teeth before or after breakfast?

My girlfriend and I differ in opinion on this matter. Her argument, which is a valid one, is that you should brush them before breakfast because you have morning breath and it's like a part of cleaning yourself. My view is brush them afterwards because then your teeth are fresh until lunch time. What if you have smoked salmon and eggs for breakfast? If you'd brushed your teeth before then you would smell like fish and eggs for the rest of the day.

2. When you go for a shit, do you stand up or remain seated to wipe your bum?

I thought this was obvious, until it casually was mentioned amongst my university friends about a year ago. It seems half the group remain seated (I am in that group) and the other half stand. It was also apparent that regardless of which group you fall into you cannot comprehend doing the other.

So by all means comment and let me know your answers to these burning questions. Or not.

angryman likes: sociological research

Snow

2010-01-06T13:35:00.004Z

If you live in England, you will be aware of the snow that is ravaging the country at the moment. And by ravaging I mean really screwing ... in the bum. This snow is evil snow. Sent by demons. It has shut down roads, schools, farms, shops, airports ... It is also strongly linked to child poverty, the immigration crisis and disappearance of Lord Lucan.

On top of this that fucking white fluffy bullshit is destroying our economy! According to government statistics, which are completely true and not fabricated, the nation lost £5 bazillion today because no one was at work. That's right, a bazillion. Look it up.

People need to chill the fuck out. 90% of jobs aren't that urgent. Most people get up, go to work, file some papers, do something on Excel that they think is clever but is really not, make a few calls and then go home. I'm included in that group. In fact, unless you are a doctor, a nurse or a fireman you can really just get away with not turning up to your job for weeks.

So whilst it is snowing, enjoy it. It's cold but it's pretty. If you don't like traffic or driving in the snow just stay in, whack the heating up and wonder around with your genitals out.

angryman likes: snow days

Back

2010-01-05T17:09:00.005Z

HELLO. I'm back.

Hope you all had a fun packed festive break. I did. I ate my way through America. My god it's cheap there. As a result I'm carrying a little excess holiday weight. My usually ripped, toned and sculpted body has started to resemble Coventry city centre - hideous. Never mind, I'll burn it off in a week bench pressing 200 kilos, ONE HANDED! Yeah I'm swoll.

So here is a list of all the things I ate (not exhaustive) and the reason for my weight:

Homemade cookies
Bought cookies
Doughnuts
Homemade Doughnuts
Burgers
Lots of chips
Lots of crisps
Green eggs and ham
Leg of Lamb
All you can eat Brazilian barbeque (including beef fillet mignon wrapped in bacon)
Meat Samosas
Vegetable samosas
Deep fried chillies
Chutney
Cheesecake
Cake
Chocolate cake
Peanut Butter and chocolate ice cream
Mint chocolate chip ice cream
Frozen yogurt with chocolate
Pizza
Fajitas
Tacos
More fajitas
Nachos
Cheese
Cheese log
Queso cheese
Chocolate bars
Figs, stuffed with cheese, wrapped in bacon
Goat terrine
Lamb cigars
Deep fried cheese
Platter of Moroccan food
More cheese
Mince pies
Peanuts
American sushi (with Doritos and mayonnaise in it)
Brownies
Beer

Now I'm hungry again.

angryman likes: FOOD

Christmas Break

2009-12-18T18:52:00.006Z

A hectic week at work meant I couldn't really post anything to this blog. I apologise for that because I know how much you all value my input into your otherwise meaningless lives. Only joking, I love you all (I don't).

I'm off for Christmas now. And I'm off to the United States of America. Therefore it is unlikely that I will be posting anything in the next couple of weeks. I'm not saying this blog doesn't take priority in my life, I'm just saying that the only way that I will post during the festive period will be if all of these things happen:

all of the "all you can eat" places shuts down,
Call of Duty is banned,
everyone I know dies and
my penis falls off.

When I return I shall shower you with words of wisdom and possibly some photos. Because I am taking my shiny (it's not shiny) new camera to the US in the hope that I will be able to take pictures of overweight people's bellies, racially motivated cop beatings and kids on crack.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

angryman likes: religious holidays

Take that Robert Mugabe

2009-12-14T12:18:00.003Z

My god I am a clumsy fool. This weekend I dropped 4 bottles of wine on the pavement, spilled a glass of ginger beer over my girlfriend's bedroom, kicked her in her bad knee and generally caused more havoc than the Tasmanian Devil on amphetamines in a room full of blindfolded brittle boned children.

I am in a pretty good mood today. One of the reasons is because I have 4 working days left and then I'm off to America for Christmas.

Secondly, this made me happy: watch this. Did that make you feel happier? If it didn't then you're either Silvio Berlusconi or a tit. I wish there were more mentally disturbed people in the world willing to smack politicians and world leaders. I might set up a recruitment agency. Have you been sectioned within the last year? Yes? Good, now take this toaster and throw it at Angela Merkel. I hate that bitch.

angryman likes: throwing stuff at people

Angryman's News Roundup 10/12/09

2009-12-10T13:15:00.004Z

Tomorrow I'm going to see Them Crooked Vultures rock the shit out of my face so I've taken the day off. Therefore I am posting the news roundup today. Get ready for a truck load of importance:

angryman likes: face melting guitar solos

Christmas Number One

2009-12-09T13:44:00.007Z

If you are a member of the Facebook community or on Twitter, you will have inevitable seen your friends joining the "Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One" Facebook group or rallying to get people involved. I don't have a problem with this premise, I'm just not going to take part. Here are my reasons why:

It has been created by musical snobs who feel that the music they like is somehow more worthy than anyone elses.
I already own "Killing in the Name Of". Why would I buy it again?
RATM is on the label Epic, in turn owned by Sony BMG. Sony also licence Simon Cowell's label. Either way Sony win and I lose 79p.
I don't pay for music. I steal it from pirates who fund terrorism.
I couldn't give a shit as to who is Christmas number one. I don't give a shit who is number one throughout the year, why should I care at Christmas?
I actually quite like the X Factor.
I'm small and angry.

angryman likes: Cheryl Cole's face

Fudgepacker-gate

2009-12-07T13:29:00.009Z

Good afternoon. What a thoroughly pleasant weekend that was. I went back in time and spent the weekend giving famous historical figures nuggies. The best one was Napolean, his head is so soft that he started bleeding everywhere. And he cried. What a baby.

You know what's annoying? Most scandals since the 1970s are named with the word "gate" as an unnecessary suffix. The original scandal, Watergate, didn't involve water impropriety, it just took place in a building called the Watergate office complex. Therefore the act of attaching "gate" to other scandals, noteably "Bloodgate" (involving fake blood in a rugby game), "Zippergate" (Bill Clinton's blowjob), "Nipplegate" (Janet Jackson's NFL half time nipple slip) and more recently "Climate-gate" (leaked emails from environmental scientists), is superfluous and annoying.

It's an example of a "snowclone", which is a cliché or phrase which is instantly recognisable, often used out of context and open to a entirely different array of meanings. It's usually the lamentable media that think up the names of these "gate" scandals. Well, there is not much thinking involved, a genetically modified tomato could think of better names. Unless they are fear-mongering or making up statistics about immigration, the media are remarkably uncreative, that's probably why they became journalists in the first place, otherwise they would have written novels.

And the only time they should have used "gate", they didn't. When Jan Moir ripped into Stephen Gately, why oh why didn't anyone use the headline "Gately-gate"? Bell-ends, the lot of them.

So yes, today my beef is with "gate" scandals. Thank you.

angryman likes: Beef

Angryman's News Roundup 04/12/09

2009-12-04T13:27:00.005Z

This year is fast coming to an end and I have yet to enact my 2009 New Year's resolution to become the best person in the world. Recent polls have suggested I'm 5th, behind Harold Ramis, the Dalai Lama, David Attenborough and Dave Grohl. Oh well, on with the show:

angryman likes: Kit Kats

You clumsy fool!

2009-12-03T13:18:00.004Z

Sometimes I can be clumsy. This frustrates me. Especially when people say "be careful" or "stop being clumsy" like it was a deliberate act. Being clumsy is not something that can be cured, it is like a terminal disease or a disability. People are born clumsy and that's it, they'll be knocking over vases and falling over until they die. Best just stay out of their way.

My clumsiness manifests itself during culinary exploits, either when cooking or eating. When I cook, I drop food everywhere, break crockery and slice my fingers. I'm sure if I've cooked for you, you've tasted a lot of my blood, and a few finger nails. When eating, I spill food more often than when I don't spill food. As I type I have half a pot of Müller dripping down my tie. When I drink, fluid pours out of the corners of my mouth all over my clothes. This is the kind of shit I have to deal with on a daily basis, and I'm getting tired of it.

So stop telling me to "be careful". I'm trying my best not to break your plates or elbow your children, I really am. But it's like telling someone with AIDS to stop having AIDS. Yes, it's exactly like that.

angryman likes: stain remover

Angryman's Guide to Hot Sauce

2009-12-02T13:22:00.008Z

You know what I like? Hot sauce! So I've decided to tell you what my favourite ones are, just because I'm not feeling particularly angry about anything:

Tabasco. People think this is the "daddy"of hot sauces. It's not. It's good but it merely adds spice and a bit of acidity to whatever you douse it over. Best on pizzas. Scoville rating 2,500 to 5,000.
Sriracha. Bad ass Thai sauce. Garlic and chilli undertones. Best with Thai/Vietnamese seafood but also combines well with mayonnaise to form base for American sushi. Scoville rating 2,200.
Cholula. My favourite hot sauce. Flavoursome red pepper spicy sauce, much better than Tabasco. Goes well with meat, or in other sauces. Scoville rating 3,600.
Louisiana Hot Sauce. Similar strength to Tobasco but, again, more body. Good for seafood and meat. Scoville rating 2,500 to 5,000.
El Yucateco. I've heard that this is the best Mexican hot sauce. Uses habaneros as a base and not vinegar so a lot more fire and less acid. Scoville rating 8,910.
Tropical Sun Hot Pepper Sauce. Carribean hot sauce so they use scotch bonnet peppers instead which are more tasty. Best on chicken. Scoville rating 2,500 to 5,000.

The "Scoville" rating measures the hotness of a chilli pepper. It shows the number of buckets of water that are required to dilute the chilli until the "heat" has disappeared. To give you an indication, pure capsaicin is 15,000,000 on the Scoville scale. Raw habaneros and Scotch Bonnets vary from 100,000 to 350,000, cayenne is 30,000 and jalapenos are 8,000.

angryman likes: tasting pain

This is a waste of time

2009-11-30T13:35:00.005Z

Hello. Hope you all had a great weekend. I didn't. I died and had to convince God to send me back for one last task. Pretty heavy stuff. On the upside I came back as a white wizard and my staff is neato.

Yesterday I didn't write a blog post because I am lazy.

Today I won't write I am also feeling lazy.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to enlighten you with some angry fun. If not I will just post a picture of a funny animal or a woman parking badly.

angryman likes: being lazy

Angryman's News Roundup 27/11/09

2009-11-27T13:53:00.005Z

I thought of a really good blog yesterday. But now I've forgotten it. What a great story. Anyway here are the headlines you've been waiting for:

angryman likes: chicken

Ouch! Fuck, My Eye!

2009-11-25T17:00:00.006Z

Here are the top ten things you shouldn't touch before touching your eye (which may or may not be from personal experience):

Chillies
Lime juice
Poison
Lemon juice
Shit
Tabasco
Urine
Iron filings
Semen
David Seaman's semen

I think you'll be hard pressed to find a more insightful blog post than this.

angryman likes: his eyes

Rogue Chips

2009-11-23T13:36:00.005Z

Hello! Hope you all had a good weekend. I spent it sending death threats to Tom Cruise. Seriously Tom, Xenu told me you are gay. Hey, I'm not homophobic, Xenu is!

Are you ready for some small, angry ranting? No? Tough ...

It's annoying when you're eating food, chips for example, and one chip, for whatever reason (because you're a big failure), falls from the plate onto the table or the floor. And the table isn't the most sanitary surface, because the restaurant you're in is a lower-end establishment called "Kansas Fried Chicken" or, if you're at home, your mother is lazy whore. So you pick up the chip and put it on the side of your plate, or styrofoam tray, because to leave it on the table or floor is, well, rude. Then, later on during the meal, that chip manages to slide down your plate or tray and nestle in with the rest of the chips. But because it looks similar it is harder to distinguish. A bit like polish people in England. A dirty fucking foreign chip. Sometimes you even forget about it in the first place. And when you finally realise what you've done you've already gobbled up all of the chips like the fat fucker you are. This, avid readers, is annoying and makes me angry.

angryman likes: salad

Angryman's News Roundup 20/11/2009

2009-11-20T13:17:00.005Z

News:

angryman likes: stilton

Hello Barry, Goodbye Life

2009-11-19T13:30:00.006Z

150 posts today. Whoop-de-whoop. When I'm dead they will dig up this blog and realise that my life was completely pointless.

Today I got a Blackberry. I named it Black Barry because I think I am funny. I'm sure it will ruin my life and I am going to become a dick. To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, I'll develop those "Blackberry eyes" where I won't really focus on anything unless it's written on my Blackberry. And everything anyone says I'll have have to check with Barry to see if it's correct. No one will matter anymore. It will be just Barry and I. I will end up downloading "apps" in order for me to make my life 2% more efficient. I'll get an app telling me what to eat, I'll get an app telling me how many wanks to have and I'll get an app telling me how many children to slap. I'll check my emails incessantly, even though all of the emails I get don't need to be dealt with immediately. I'll activate my GPS even though I know where I am. I'll watch YouTube on it even though I am sitting next to an actual computer. I'll put it next to the shower when showering just in case I get a hilarious email from someone about a dog dressed as an Elizabethan wine merchant and need to forward it on. I'll check what's going on on Twitter all the time. I'll update my Facebook status too much. I'll check the stock market even though I own no shares. I'll see what the weather is like in Tonga. I'll tell my friends facts they don't care about. I'll chuckle to myself and then look around, point to my Blackberry and say, "An email from James, that guy is fun-NY".

Remember the day: 19th November 2009, the day I became the bane of my own existence.

angryman likes: his Blackberry

Atheist bus campaign

2009-11-18T13:03:00.004Z

Yes. Today I am attacking atheists. Environmentalists on Monday, atheists today: you must think I'm some sort of conservative. Well I'm not, because conservatives are twats. I just hate people.

"So why atheists?" I hear you wheeze. Put your Richard Dawkins book away, I don't hate them. Most of my friends are atheists and they're nice people. I just don't like "militant atheists", namely those who try and convince religious people there isn't a God, like it's the best thing that could happen to them. Be an atheist, but stop trying to convince everyone else and shut up ...

"Dude, god doesn't exist."

"Er ... okay thanks"

"Evolution!"

"Um ... what?"

"Religion is the cause of all wars."

"Go away."

Yes, you may be happy as an atheist, but if you're pushing your views onto others fervently, then you're no better than the religious figures you despise.

Take the athiests who ran the bus campaign in London. It was all very smug. "We don't believe in God, you shouldn't either!" And a massive waste of money. £83,000 was donated! That money could be spent on charitable causes or buying medical equipment. But no, they get a bus telling everyone there probably isn't a God. I bet no one sitting in church saw that bus, ran out into the street and shouted, "The bus told me so fuck you God you imaginary bearded gimp!"

Now the campaign has been extended to stop parents enforcing their religion on their children. There is an obvious irony that seems to bypass the minds of the people who are running this campaign: they are telling other people how to live their lives and even raise their own children, the very thing they are trying to prevent.

Anyway I'll stop before I fall off my high horse. Basically I don't like people telling other people what to do. Actually, like I said before, I just don't like people. Including you.

angryman likes: thinking about where God's G spot is?

An Inconvenient Truthfulness

2009-11-16T13:18:00.006Z

Hello you! Hope you had a good weekend. I rescued a zebra that was being racially abused by horses in London Zoo. I also had a dream that Vernon Kay was dead. Let's hope it was a premonition.

On to today's post. I'm going to go ahead and say it: I don't really give a shit about climate change. This isn't because I don't care about climate change per se, it's mainly because the people associated with climate change are really irritating and self righteous. It's also because I'm too lazy. I recycle, when I can be bothered, and I try not to fart, but apart from that the eco-warrior within me is an apathetic fat slob.

Some of the statistics are truly frightening: 2005 was the hottest year ever (because they kept records a million years ago), by 2030 there will be no Glaciers left, 10% of people will spontaneously combust by the age of 54, 1000 trillion people will be dead by tomorrow ad nauseam. All scary stuff.

Also I've always thought of recycling as a bit of a dichotomy. On the one hand you're recycling to stop people from manufacturing new bottles, cans and plastics. But surely if I didn't recycle, the separate and petrol-fueled recycling lorry wouldn't have to come round and the separate fossil fuel fueled recycling plant wouldn't have to waste precious environment in saving the environment. I'm sure that my beer bottle doesn't convert itself, using no energy, into a new glass product.

I think I'm like the majority of people who think it will "just work itself out". It will right? If we sit around and do nothing, we'll be fine, right? Guys? And if I'm wrong, we'll all be too dead to care and it will be our children's problem. That will teach them for being sick in my car and ruining my marriage. Little cunts.

angryman likes: carrier bags

Angryman's News Roundup 13/11/2009

2009-11-13T13:26:00.005Z

Well would you look at that. Another year almost over and another series of "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here" starts. I've got nothing to say about that program except everyone who is in it, watches it or talks about it is a smelly fanny, which makes me a smelly fanny. Here are news articles that I can turn into unfunny headlines:

angryman likes: relaxing

Angryman's Fact File Part 3

2009-11-12T13:33:00.006Z

Sorry if I've been a bit political lately. It's quite hard to sustain a high level of original blog posts sometimes, I'm just mainly angry about the same old shit, which I have already mentioned, and not that much new stuff irritates me. Talking about politics or current affairs is a good way to get around that because I'm merely offering my opinion on a topic which has been decided for me. So today there is something different. Well, actually it's not, but at least it isn't political or preachy. It's the fact file:

I carry a picture of Angela Lansbury around with me in case I need to have an emergency wank.
I don't like Neptune, the planet or the Roman God.
My left leg is gay.
My favourite song is "I Fucking Love Canoes" by the Kayak Twins.
A monster lives under my bed. His name is Colin and he enjoys raping me.
I once convinced The Queen that I was made of magic.
I enjoy teasing people dismembered in helicopter accidents.
One of the greatest nights of my life is when I dropped acid with Sir David "Dave-o" Attenborough and Lord Richard "Filthy Rich" Attenborough. We went to five strip clubs.
My favourite sport to watch is fencing; people putting up fences.
My farts smell of the Yorkshire Dales.

angryman likes: weaving a web of lies

Modern Warfare

2009-11-11T15:31:00.007Z

Yesterday I couldn't contain my excitement, hence why I didn't write on this blog. The reason: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. The hugely anticipated, massively hyped, soon to be biggest selling computer game of all time.

I played it for 6 hours last night until my face was numb and my eyeballs dryer than a widow's snatch. It is incredible. Stunning graphics combined with great gameplay. If I could fuck a game, this would be it. Although my dick would be shot to shit. The story is baffling but who gives a fuck when you're shooting people in the head (and shoulders, knees and toes). "Take that Kahlim you terrorist cock sausage!"

This isn't a game review. The reason I'm telling you this is because, predictably, the media have kicked up a shit storm about some aspects of the game. I hate the media, I think they have overtaken the general public in my "Who Do I Want To See Drowned In Hot Oil?" list. Especially Rupert Murdoch's stupid news network. Prick.

Anyway, back to the game. In particular a section of the game where you infiltrate a terrorist organisation and walk around an airport killing civilians. Fucking fun stuff. "Take that grandpa!", "Take it in the penis!". The media don't like violence in computer games. They don't like anything they don't understand. They claim that computer games turn our people into Hitler or Joseph Fritzl. Good point, but I bet you Fritzl never played such made up games as "Escape from Castle Frizl", "Incestasaurus" or "Basement Lover 10".

Game reviewers described the above scene as horrifying and disturbing, I found it to be neither. Apart from Return To Oz and the Shining, no films have ever fucked me up. I find blood, gore and guts mundane when I know they are not real. Computer games simulating violence are about as disturbing to me as Andy Peters. I'm not saying this to show off, I'm just saying it because I can tell the difference between something that is real and something which is fake. Most people can. Even children.

angryman likes: COD

Complaining: the difference between England and USA

2009-11-09T13:17:00.004Z

I hope you all had an enjoyable bonfire evening. I celebrated Guy Fawkes night by trying to set fire to Parliament. Stupid Parliament.

Today we are discussing complaining. Got it? Good.

In England, people like to complain about things. If you are foreign and have visited the country you will, invariably, have noticed: "my head hurts", "this is a disgrace", "what's that for?", "it's too cold", "it's too hot", "it's too flaccid", "that hurts" et cetera et cetera. But the actual act of complaining is usually not to achieve a positive result. We just complain for the hell of it. We'll complain to each other that our food is too cold at a restaurant but will be very reserved about sending it back. "Leave it Catherine, we don't want to make a scene."

Our American counterparts also relish the opportunity to complain. But when they complain, it is for a purpose. For example, "My burger is too soggy, therefore I want you to apologize ("z" used instead of "s" for cultural consistency) and make me 10 more whilst juggling my testicles."

This trait, in a way, defines the two countries. The English are pissed off about everything but quite content living in a world of disappointment. On the other hand, Americans are happy about everything and if anything gets in the way of that 100% Prozac-fueled happiness they will go all out in order to prevent it.

This is probably entrenched in history. America, being a (relatively) new country, is like a teenage girl. Excited that she can finally stay out at night (and pleasure herself) she will let nothing phase her. England is a divorced, disappointed middle aged man going through a mid-life crisis. He has seen it all, and had it all, and now he just wants to sit in the corner, drinking tea in peace and quiet.

angryman likes: corners

Angryman's News Roundup 06/10/09

2009-11-06T13:25:00.009Z

Special treat for you today: I am doing Angryman's News Roundup. I didn't say it was a new feature. Still, I bet you're moist at the thought of this? You're moist at most things aren't you you dirty whore? Hold on to something turgid because here comes this week's news:

angryman likes: being a baller

Pokerface by Eric Cartman

2009-11-04T15:55:00.007Z

I rarely post videos but this is amazing ...

From the South Park episode Whale Whores.

then they are dumb and need to get their brain tested for tumours.

angryman likes: Eric Cartman

The Daily Fail

2009-11-03T13:29:00.004Z

It's amazing how stupid the Daily Mail can be sometimes. You'd have thought that after the, now infamous, Stephen Gately / Jan Moir fiasco that the editors would try and clamp down on controversial topics. I know the Daily Mail is not renowned for pussy-footing around sensitive topics, but the aforementioned article should have taught it that some degree of editing is needed before the lazy fucks they call journalists spew out another pile of drivel.

But no. Today this article was published CRITICISING science! You know, science: the thing that proves stuff and invents things and pretty much slaps God in the face every day. The article is in response to the sacking of Professor Nutt, the government's chief drug's scientist by the incredibly stupid Alan Johnson.

The article states that scientists are too concerned about "facts" that are conceived in "laboratories" from "experiments" and not the "real world". Hold the phone, did David Nutt base his report on a test he did in a laboratory whereby he lined up 5 kids and gave one of them ecstacy, one a joint, one some LSD, another cigarettes and the last alcohol? No, that was me last weekend. The truth is that no clinical trials have been sanctioned by the government, because they know what the results will be and they don't like them. The only thing Professor Nutt has at his disposal are statistics taken from the "real world" based on usage, frequency of death etc. In other words; from facts.

The article later describes how "science" and "experiments" were used by the Nazis, therefore scientific experimentation can't be all good. Hmmmm ... Most things the Nazis did were evil. That's because they were evil fuckheads. Scientists these days aren't really evil fuckheads. The comparison is ill conceived at best. A knife in the hand of a murderer is different to that of a knife in the hand of a cook. It's like saying that because showers were used by Nazis, showers can't be trusted. Don't get me started on gas.

An earlier version of this article had a picture of Hitler beside it (It has now been taken off the website). That must be the easiest picture for Daily Mail journalists to put in articles ... they just take it off their wall and scan it.

angryman likes: the truth

Angryman's News Roundup 30/10/09

2009-10-30T13:37:00.005Z

Listening to the The Twilight Saga: New Moon Original Soundtrack whilst typing this. Although I have no idea what Twilight is about (girls who have just started their period?) the soundtrack is pretty good. In other news my Vanilla flavoured Activia is great. Here is other stuff:

Have a good Holloween.

angryman likes: pumpkins

Whistle while you swing your junk in my face

2009-10-29T13:23:00.003Z

Whistling: sure, it can be an impressive talent if you want to attract a chaffinch in your garden, or if you want to round up a herd of sheep, but it is, on a whole, very irritating.

There are a few different types of whistlers. First of all there are the occasional whistlers who whistle along to tunes because they either can't sing or have forgotten the lyrics. Secondly there are those who are quite good at whistling and will whistle whilst doing everyday tasks, like taking out the rubbish or hang gliding. If you whistle a song that everyone knows then that is sort of acceptable, but still annoying.

The third type of whistler is the warbled whistler who just whistles for the sake of it. They just fucking whistle. No particular tune, just sweeping notes, executed fairly well and with a lot of warbling. Now I don't claim to know every song ever written, but I know when a whistled tune is a genuine top 40 hit or just the ramblings of a musically retarded twat. It is usually the latter.

It occurs most often when I am in the changing rooms at the gym. Men whistling in the shower, whistling whilst wondering back and forth from their locker (dripping all over the floor therefore making my socks wet!), whistling whilst drying their meat and two veg in my face.

It's so irritating. Yes, you can whistle, I get it, but you don't have to do it all the time? I can vomit, but I don't do it all the time (disclaimer: if you are bulimic I apologise if this offended you, but most of us don't vomit all of the time ... also, brush your teeth). It's the equivalent to me just singing random words to random tunes all the time, "La dee da, I drive turnips and Japanese fishermen on top of my glass foam fuck bottle, you're mum is a goat faced car bomb, with a great set of bran flakes." Argh.

angryman likes: 6 of the 7 dwarfs

My Dad has huge credentials

2009-10-28T12:47:00.005Z

No post yesterday because I was feeling Lazy. And she loved it. BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!

Anyway you know what's funny? No, not AIDS (although it is pretty hilarious), the word "credentials". "Why?" I hear you ask. Since I was a little boy, my Dad has described his testicles as his credentials. "This weather is not doing my credentials any favours", he would say on a sticky summer's day. "Oooo my credentials!" he would yelp as he caught his balls in the vice. How we would laugh. In fact, I thought the word credentials actually meant testicles, until I looked it up in something called a dictionary.

Therefore in settings outside of the strange world of my father, it has added an extra dimension to everyday life. Whenever someone mentions the word credentials, they usually attribute it to a person, which can have, as you can imagine, hilarious consequences. For example:

"How are Jeff's credentials?"

"Jeff's credentials are pretty solid."

Hilarity.

This has meant that whenever I hear this word, I laugh, which usually means people end up thinking I have weak credentials, which makes me laugh even more.

angryman likes: his growing credentials

Stop ... questiontime!

2009-10-26T13:13:00.005Z

LET'S DO THIS THING! ...

I'm sure by now you've seen Nick Griffin's, now infamous, appearance on Questiontime. If you haven't, then buy some popcorn and watch it on BBC iplayer.

So here are things I learnt from of the program:

Nick Griffin laughs a lot (like a nervous school boy who has just wet himself but finds the sensation slightly pleasurable).
He is "misquoted" an awful lot. This may itself be a misquote.
Jack Straw doesn't like to answer why the BNP's popularity has risen in the last few years. He doesn't like to address the fact that almost all BNP seats have come from old Labour areas. Also Jack Straw is a sour-faced buffoon.
Nick Griffin touches Bonnie Greer too much
David Dimbleby doesn't like eye contact.
David Dimbleby is not Jonathan Dimbleby.
Dimbleby is a stupid surname.
Bonnie Greer looks like she's smoked a lot of weed.
Bonnie Greer probably wants to pummel Nick Griffin's face with a sledgehammer.
Nick Griffin blames the decline in Lake District tours on immigration.
Nick Griffin looks like a fat Adolf Hitler cross with David Brent.
Nick Griffin isn't sure whether the holocaust actually happened.
He is a holocaust denier denier.
Nick Griffin and God are best friends.
The thought of Nick Griffin kissing anyone is gross.
Apparently there is an administrative, "non-violent" department of the KKK.
The crowd really like clapping. One guy looks like he's been practicing his clap all week.
How old do you have to be to become a Baroness?
Nick Griffin is not articulate
Nick Griffin is not an actual griffin.

angryman likes: tolerance

Angryman's News Roundup 22/10/09

2009-10-22T13:44:00.005+01:00

No, you haven't gone mad from all the glue you've been huffing, it's Angryman's News Roundup ... on a Thursday! I've got the day off tomorrow so it has to move to today. Deal with it you whiny bitches. NEWZ:

angryman likes: Thursdays that are actually Fridays

Injury time shit

2009-10-21T13:51:00.006+01:00

I don't like it when I need to go for a poo during my lunch hour. It seems like a waste of my lunch hour. Conversely, I like taking a dump during work time, as this provides a little break from the monotony of work. A lot of the time when I need to poo before lunch, I'll hold it until afterwards, just to get a 5 minute extension of the lunch break. It's like injury time at a football match, and I always win (Is pooing winning? It should be).

Anyway here are 20 ways of saying "going to the toilet":

Going for a Shit
Taking a Dump
Anal Puking
Buttering My Cheeks
Blowing Mud
Grinding the Beef
Dropping the kids off at the Pool
Dropping the (insert ethnic derogatory here) kids off at the Pool
Microwaving a Dachshund
Choking a Brownie
Cutting some rope
Dropping a Log
Squeezing one out
Giving a (insert ethnic derogatory here) a burial at sea
Growing a Tail
Launching a Butt Shuttle
Negotiating the release of the Chocolate Hostages
Pinching one off
Crimping off a length
Pebble-dashing the toilet

I've realised a lot of my posts are about shitting. You know why? Because I poo a lot. Sue me.

angryman likes: a quiet poo

You know who sucks?

2009-10-20T13:40:00.005+01:00

Matthew McConaughey.

angryman likes: films without Matthew McConaughey in.

Skits

2009-10-19T13:25:00.002+01:00

Because I am a gangsta, a player hater and a baller, I like to listen to hip hop. But what's annoying, and ever more prevalent on hip hop albums these days, is the hip hop skit. For those of you who just like to listen to music with white people and guitars, a hip hop skit is an interlude between tracks on a hip hop album.

Usually they revolve around such deep topics as:

how much of a fucking gangsta I am,
how much of a fucking bitch you are,
we really like pussy,
I really like sex,
I want to have sex with you lots (and if you don't want to I'll do it anyway),
check out my glock and how many bitch-ass niggaz I have iced with it,
how much of a faggotty motherfucker this nigga is (itself a flawed concept because if you are a "faggot" or homosexual, it is unlikely you'll be fucking your mother),
I like sex, guns and money,
look at all my money you poor fuck,
I am black.

At least during songs there's a beat and melody hiding the undertones of homophobia, sexism and racism, but, during the skits, they are in your face. Plus, if I wanted to listen to people talking, I would have bought an audiobook.

Also, hip hop is quite good to exercise to. It disrupts your workout if people start having a conversation about which way they're going to rape a girl.

angryman likes: beats

Angryman's News Roundup 16/10/09

2009-10-16T13:26:00.006+01:00

Whaddup dawgs? Here dem newz:

angryman likes: satisfying farts

The ellipsis

2009-10-15T13:29:00.004+01:00

You know people who do this ----> ................................. Aren't they annoying? Instead of following rules of punctuation and grammar they have decided to elect a more atavistic approach language and place whatever they want, where and when they want. Well I'm not having it. Not on my shift.

So today I'm giving a grammar lesson to talk about the very popular, but incorrectly used punctuation device know as the ellipsis, three sequential dots (full stops or periods) like so:

...

It is used to indicate pauses in the flow of speech, omitted words or sentences but, more commonly, to create tension, sarcasm and elicit responses. Too frequently is it used incorrectly, even on this blog *gasp*. The correct way to use it is like this ... the ellipsis consists of three evenly spaced dots with spaces between the ellipsis and surrounding letters or other marks.

People often use it like so...failing to put the spaces in at the requisite juncture or, as mentioned above, use too many dots like so ............. This is unnecessary and shows you are a dimwit. So please use it properly, or else I'll put some seriously bad juju on you.

angryman likes: rules

Jeremy Clarkson is a White Man

2009-10-14T14:14:00.009+01:00

Sad story blog readers: Jeremy Clarkson is unhappy. Why is Jeremy Clarkson unhappy? Is it because he is uglier than the Elephant Man's uglier brother? No. It's because Jeremy Clarkson is an oppressed white man. Poor Jeremy. He has had to put up with years of a being an oppressed white person. After all, it is hard being a "majority". Being raised in a middle class family, Jeremy knows what struggle is. His family had to struggle to get him extra cravats. And going to a public school he knows the inequality of being an outsider. And he's a man, sheesh, God knows how he broke through that glass ceiling. Kudos to you Mr Clarkson. You've struggled your way through life.

And now what's happening? These fucking privileged black muslim lesbians, who, by the way, are everywhere, are taking his and everyone else's jobs. Fucking black muslim lesbians: you can't move in this country without bumping into them.

Why does anyone like Jeremy Clarkson? People say, "he tells it like it is", but he doesn't. He tells it like a homophobic, racist, sexist prick tells it. My view is that people who like him secretly harbour these views as well. He's a bitter white man who can't stand that things are evening out (a little bit). Oh my god, women are getting a chance on TV! Well fuck me there's a black person! Shut up Jeremy. SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.

Yes, the whole Anton Du Beck thing was ridiculous and so called "racist" remarks should be viewed in context. My friends call me a Paki all the time, in jest (and they kick me and spit on me, in jest). In my view, he should not be sacked. But Jeremy Clarkson ... How the hell is he still on TV? He drives cars fast. He doesn't like the environment. That's his talent.

You're a white man Jeremy! That basically gives you a "one up" on everyone else. Give other people a chance. And not everyone likes cars you fucking plum!

In my opinion, which overrides even legal statute, he should be frog-marched into a ditch, stripped naked, raped over and over again by a muslim with a massive penis, and then eaten to death by French cannibals (Might as well shove Richard Hammond in there as well).

angryman likes: the thought of Jeremy Clarkson's rotting carcass

The Guardian is gagged

2009-10-13T13:23:00.009+01:00

Twitter is proving to be quite a useful tool these days. Yesterday evening the Guardian was "gagged" from reporting on parliamentary proceedings, more specifically from printing a question by MP Paul Farrelly. The question related to the evil, blood-sucking, son's of bitches Trafigura, an oil company, and its dumping of toxic waste into the sea near Ivory Coast (I'm sure I should put "alleged dumping" but I don't care, I'm a renegade).

Trafigura's solicitors, Carter-Ruck, obtained the injunction last night. As the nation awoke this morning, the blogosphere and Twitter erupted with speculation as to who and what it was with regard to. Speculation is actually the wrong word to use, people just knew it was to do with Trafigura, due to the fact the information was widely available elsewhere on the internet. Soon after celebrity Twitterers like Stephen Fry and Charlie Brooker were posting links to several blog sites where the MP's question was laid out verbatim, revealing Trafigura as the gagging party in question.

The Guardian's editor Alan Rusbridger kept us posted and tweeted regular updates on the matter. A hearing was to be heard by the High Court in which The Guardian would seek to overturn the injunction. Then, at a little past 1pm, Carter-Ruck, probably anticipating the massive public backlash, backed down and allowed The Guardian to publish the piece.

Carter-Ruck made 3 mistakes. Rather foolishly they, by obtaining an injunction, over-publicised an issue that would otherwise go unnoticed as yet another boring question from an MP. They underestimated the average Guardian reader's commitment to causes. People who are concerned with human rights, environmental issues and freedom of speech, weren't going to take this lightly. Lastly they also undervalued the impact that the internet and particularly Twitter would have. The subsequent internet furore led to calls to boycott Carter-Ruck and bring down the Trafigura website.

It's all been a rather curious day. But a good day in which the internet proved to be a very useful tool in protecting freedom of speech.

angryman likes: freedom of speech

Comparemyballs.com

2009-10-12T14:02:00.011+01:00

Today I want to vent about an epidemic which is spreading throughout the television industry. No not Adrian Chiles' hideously deformed face, it's the ever increasingly irritating, bone-crushingly obvious, mind-numbingly repetitive and face-meltingly retarded insurance adverts. More specifically "comparing" insurance websites.

Oh look it's the comparethemarket.com advert. You know, the one your parents love. How they laugh because the meerkats are *giggle* talking! And how they howl when the meerkats start speaking with Russian accents. Oh I get it, it's meerkat and market. They're getting the two words confused. That's really fucking funny. And pretty clever. Ho ho ho he he he ha ha ha.

Mr Advertiser, you sir, are a genius. You sure can enrapture a whole country with a simple gimmick. I'm sure everyone in the advertising industry is still tonguing your arsehole because of it, you filthy gobshite. You have also managed to portray the insurance industry as light hearted jokers who "know how to have a laugh" when it has been proved by scientists (and God) that you people suck the life out of society.

The advert makes me want to tear my eyeballs out, throw them into a pestle and mortar, grind them into a pulp and pour that pulp into my ears so I will never have to see or hear it again.

And the horrible insurance adverts are spreading. Gocompare have now got an advert so irritating, it makes Bono seem like a reasonable human being. Some fat cunt singing "gocompare". Then a pun so awful it would make your Dad blush. Then there's the confused.com adverts, which seems to get more irritating every day. Ordinary people (like me!) buying ordinary insurance (just like me!) online (like me!) is there message. So they fill the adverts with insufferable cretins and get them to talk about how much they saved.

Well I for one have had enough. I'm putting a jihad on these adverts. That's right a jihad. Let's see how meerkats like road side bombs. Get him Rahim!

angryman likes: books

Angryman's News Roundup 09/10/09

2009-10-09T13:36:00.006+01:00

"Read all about it, read all about it, read all about it, read all about it, read all ab..." *shotgun blast* That's the last time I let a 1930's news paper vendor into my office. 'Oi secretary, put this with the rest of them.' Anyway, news innit:

angryman likes: knowing what time it is

True Blood = Vampirey

2009-10-08T13:20:00.005+01:00

The dog breathed optician was less dog breathed than was anticipated. Therefore the appointment was relatively stress free. Especially compared to last time. I still have nightmares about that little girl peanutting (peanuting?) me. Bitch.

Anyway I went home and watched True Blood. Below is my review of it. It's not really a review, just a series of thoughts I had whilst watching it and getting hammered with my invisible friends.

"Woah vampires! Fuck yeah. This looks like Deliverance. Why would Japanese create synthetic blood? OH THAT'S THE NAME OF THE PROGRAM! Stylish opening titles. He's totally licking her fanny. Freaky sex! She's quite old for him. I wonder if actors get boners when doing sex scenes? What do they do with their junk? Tape it to their leg? More sex, vampire sex! Nice action vampy. BITE HER IN THE BOOB! Isn't that the girl from the Piano? What? She can read minds? Convenient. Black people are sassy. You go girl! Who's that? What the hell is going on? Is this still the same scene? ANOTHER ADVERT? Do vampires not like jewelry? Why's his skin burning? I thought they didn't like daylight and holy water? She'd get it. So would she. She wouldn't. Something tells me that an openly gay black man like this fruity gentleman would not get on well with residents of this small Louisiana town. This program lasts for 1 hour and 20 minutes? Wait a minute, who drank all of my wine?"

I passed out after that. I think if you missed the program the above description should suffice. I might go and work for imdb.com.

angryman likes: The Little Mermaid

Things that make me go "Argh" today

2009-10-07T13:32:00.006+01:00

I decided not to write anything yesterday. I've found myself a little lost for things to write about recently. I'll try and keep it daily, but if I miss one or two, don't hold it against me ... or I'll kill you.

Anyway it's anger-ridden business today as usual. I am angry about a lot of things today:

the stupid people on GMTV this morning,
the overturned lorry that delayed my journey to work by half an hour,
the traffic lights that change once every 17 months,
the bread in my sandwich that absorbed all of the tomato's moisture and was subsequently wet through,
my banana, which was too ripe,
that I can't stop farting and shitting today,
the fact my office now smells of wet sandwich, over-ripe banana and my dirty farts and
that I have a pointless appointment after work with a dog-breathed optician.

angryman likes: dry bread

Veganism

2009-10-05T13:16:00.005+01:00

Afternoon all. I hope everyone had a ruddy good weekend. Today I'm turning my furrowed brow towards veganism.

Now, I'm not one to try to turn people on to my way of thinking, this is just merely a rant about what I perceive to be a fruitless existence (bonus point for irony). Put simply if you're a vegan, your life is pointless. There are three reasons for this:

You can't eat steak
You can't eat cheese
You can't eat cheese melted over a steak

If someone told me tomorrow I had to stop eating meat, I would, first of all, slap them in the face for telling me to do such a thing and then I cry for a week. But eventually I could get used to it because cheese would become the light of my otherwise dismal life. And of course my meat dreams. They can't take my dreams away from me. Where I run naked through fields of meat and into my meat tree where I lick a meat monster for hours. Do I have a point? Oh yes, basically I could become a (*spit*) vegetarian if I can eat cheese.

But becoming a vegan? No chance. I would rather have sex with an angle grinder. I wouldn't be able to eat meat, cheese or eggs and I wouldn't be able to test my cosmetics on animals. The thought of it makes me suicidal.

angryman likes: steak and cheese sandwiches

Angryman's News Roundup 02/10/09

2009-10-02T13:54:00.006+01:00

The end of another week means another news roundup. This week with added apathy:

angryman likes: Chinatown

4 in 1

2009-10-01T13:29:00.005+01:00

Motherflipping internet broke yesterday (that's right, the whole internet) so I couldn't write my blog. I had a great idea for a post as well, and now I've forgotten about it. Your loss. Anyway the internet is less of a bitch today so here goes with today's...

Earlier today, whilst I was in the toilet, I noticed an air-freshener that had "4 in 1" written on it. I examined the can, intrigued as to what other functions it preformed in addition to being an air-freshener. It listed the 4 functions as "Brand new fragrance" "Fast acting" "Eliminates Odors" and "Lasts over One Hour". How is that 4 different functions? It's a fucking air freshener. You would expect it to do all of those things. If it had 4 separate functions then it can describe itself as that. Like an air-freshener, deodorant, wood polish and lion tamer.

It's like describing a bacon and egg baguette as a "4 in 1 sandwich ; hunger satisfier, energy provider, jaw exerciser, Jew antagoniser"... Makes me wonder if people actually believe this shit. I worry about the world. I really do.

angryman likes: pine forest

Splash-back

2009-09-29T13:39:00.004+01:00

Before I go for a "number 2" I place a few sheets of toilet paper in the bowl, to create a layer between my arse and the water. This prevents any splash-back. I don't know if I'm the only person who does this, but I'm pretty sure it's not the norm.

Some people have asked me why don't I like splash-back, some have even said they like it because it's cooling. Well it's simple; 95% of the time when I go for a shit, I piss first, therefore the splash-back consists of piss. You're getting piss on your bum. And I don't like piss on my bum. That's not the way I want to live my life.

The downside of this is I have a tendency to use excessive amounts of toilet paper, and consequently block toilets. But that's a different story. At least my bum is clean.

angryman likes: dry bums

Happy Day of Atonement Jews

2009-09-28T15:39:00.005+01:00

Yom Kippur innit. I know nothing about this, as I have no Jewish friends (not out of choice but because I don't live in a Jewish area), but I just looked it up on Wikipedia. Now I am the foremost authority on the subject. I even just went out and got a Masters degree in it. When I say Masters degree, I mean a bagel.

Anyway Yom Kippur is the holiest day in the Jewish calender. Because you are all ignorant, celebrity obsessed, superficial troglodytes, I'll explain it to you in a way that you'll understand. So God, with his totally rad omnipotence, writes on everyone's Facebook wall, like, predicting their fate and shit. The next few days people try and make up for the stupid shit they've bought and the totally gross guys they've made out with, and on Yom Kippur they are totally BFFs of God.

Whilst Jewish people are fasting and praying I will be eating and blaspheming to balance things out.

angryman likes: The J Team

Angryman's News Roundup 25/09/09

2009-09-25T13:22:00.006+01:00

Hello there avid smallangryman reader. Here is the increasingly unfunny roundup of the news:

angryman likes: Sheffield

Green Tokens

2009-09-24T13:35:00.007+01:00

Because I am classy, I drive an invisible gold plated Citroen Saxo (the gold plate is invisible, not the car) and shop at Waitrose. If you've been to the aforementioned supermarket recently you will have noticed that you get a green token at the checkout after your transaction is complete. This token is not for free leprechaun sex, a fact I learned the hard way when I propositioned an Irish dwarf in the car park, but it is fact to put in one of three collection boxes for various charities.

I think the premise is that whichever charity has the most green tokens at the end of a specified time frame gets a donation from Waitrose. Fair enough. However the interesting thing is observing which charities people like the most.

A typical example of the three charities would look something like this:

The Dunstable Centre for Drug and Alcohol Abuse
Luton Animal Welfare Centre
Youth Centres of Bedfordshire

Now in this situation charity 2 would have way more tokens than the other two. You put an animal charity in there, and it's game over for the other charities. People will go nuts for them. Who gives a shit if people are dying, as long as we can house a few cute kittens? The logic is beyond me. Anyway charity 3 will be next, probably for no other reason than people hate charity 1.

Generally speaking the public don't have much sympathy for drug and alcohol abusers, deeming the abusers as having got themselves into the situation so they can get themselves out. Lets see how the general public would treat life it if they were raped by their father or their mother killed herself. But let's not get bogged down with semantics.

Today I saw that a blind charity was whooping the asses of the local Cub Scouts and an eating disorder charity. Does that mean people like blind people more? To be honest so do I. At least blind people don't puke everywhere like children and bulimics do.

angryman likes: Waitrose

Gay men love angryman

2009-09-23T13:42:00.007+01:00

They do.

I've noticed it, and so has my girlfriend. The gays love me. If you're reading this and you're gay you probably can't wait to tear off my lederhosen and do whatever it is you gays do, which I think is cuddle a lot. Well I can't see what else you can do without a vagina? What's that? In the bum? Where your poo comes from? Each to their own I guess.

I think it is because I am small and breathtakingly handsome (this one time, the Pope ejaculated on my face because he said if he was only gonna do it once, he had to do it on my face). Or it could be that I have an air of femininity about me. I do moisturise and I like the colour pink. However, it's more than likely my small mouth.

In Thailand, where everyone is gay, a particular waiter at the hotel took a shine to me. He would come over and virtually sit on my lap, chat to me and give me free drinks. Meanwhile he would scowl at my girlfriend as if she had stolen me from the gay shop.

Anyway I'm not sure where this is going. Basically gay people think I'm attractive, but they can't have me because the thought of sticking penises in my bum makes me want to vomit. I still like gay people though. Gays, you're alright!

angryman likes: lesbians

Crime

2009-09-22T13:44:00.005+01:00

My iPod was stolen a few weeks back. This in itself is annoying. But what's more frustrating is that there were loads of good playlists on the mp3 player that I'll never get back. Time, effort and care had gone into making those. Some of them reminded me of the events I had made them for, others for the people I had made them for. I can always buy a new iPod but I'll never get them back.

Similarly when my digital camera was stolen two years ago, I lost all of the photos I had taken. I had surprised my girlfriend and taken her to Paris (I can be nice sometimes), after which we stayed in London for a few nights, where it was stolen (I fell asleep on the bus, vomited on myself and woke up near Heathrow to find the camera missing). All of our photos were gone.

What is a criminal going to do with my goods anyway? Probably wipe the camera clean and sell it for drugs. I would like to see a more conscientious criminal, who steals your camera, but leaves the SD card behind with a little note that says "Sorry, needed crack". That is a world I want to live in.

angryman likes: photos

Nick Clegg

2009-09-21T13:27:00.010+01:00

Today I'm going to write about the Liberal Democrat's Nick Clegg. Gordon Brown is too easy of a target, it would be like kicking an asthmatic, decrepit labrador in the face with a steel toe capped boot. And David Cameron... well, where would I start? I could write a whole blog about this insincere, headline-grabbing, bandwagon-jumping smug pile of baboon shit. I would probably type myself into such a rage I would end up eating my keyboard.

So let's pick on Nick Clegg. First of all he's a nobody. He's got the presence of a mute quadriplegic child. What personality does he display? Is he a great orator? An eccentric? Passionate? Who the fuck knows? Ask most people the difference between David Cameron and Nick Clegg they'll most likely say "who are they?" (or they'll kill you because people are fucking scary). I also don't like his face. He's too plain. No discerning features. Never trust a man with a remarkably undistinguishable face.

I like the Lib Dems, when I have managed to vote, I have voted for them, mainly because I was wasted on heroine. But recently the party has shown a remarkable lack of direction. And David Cameron "handing an olive branch" to Nick Clegg at the weekend exemplifies this. That's the problem with British politics these days. There's no clear difference between the parties, there's no choice. In America, they have the Republicans, who believe in money guns and electrocuting kids, and the Democrats, who believe in half-arsed social welfare, abortions and squabbling. At least there are two different systems to choose from. Don't like gays; vote Republican. Don't like guns; vote Democrats.

As Labour continues to shoot itself in the foot (and grows more and more feet to shoot itself in) the Liberal Democrats should use this opportunity to come up with a coherent plan for the future. However, afraid of the masses, the Lib Dems, as well as the Conservatives, seem to be pandering to the public's disdain of politicians and bankers et al, saying things like "we should have a more transparent financial structure" or "this is not a time to point fingers, this is a time for action". I'm surprised they haven't started saying "death is bad" or "money is great".

So here is a message to you Nick Clegg: grow a personality and show some real leadership. If not then get your cock out in Bournemouth this weekend. At least people will know you as "the guy who got his cock out" and not "indistinguishable politician 114".

angryman likes: sticking his ore in

Angryman's News Roundup 18/09/09

2009-09-18T13:57:00.008+01:00

You know what would make me happy? If I was a member of the Wu-Tang Clan. That would make me really happy. I would have money, I would have guns and I would have access to the slums of Shaolin. Anyway here is a slice of current affairs pie:

That's it. Bye.

angryman likes: sausage rolls